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In 2023, we ran a survey of ParentData users about their sex lives, how they changed after kids, and what people wished was different. This remains one of the most popular articles on ParentData. I believe this resonates because among the very hardest aspects of parenting is the common feeling of loss of connection with our partner. Sex is one piece of that.
Another piece — the topic of today — is talking. This may be less salient than sex, partly because it’s something you do not just do with your partner. We’re all talking all the time, even if we aren’t talking to our partners, which is less true of sex. But for nearly everyone, the introduction of children into a relationship means less talking or at least less talking of a certain type. Long, aimless conversations about hobbies or dreams of the future have given way to shorter, and often sharper, discussions of sports schedules and head lice.
I got curious about how much this kind of talking changes after kids, so we did another survey, this time about talking rather than sex. I think there are some interesting patterns, but before we get into them, let me be clear about what I hope is accomplished here. In the survey, 87% of respondents said they wanted to talk to their partner more. Sometimes, what gets in the way of talking about talking is a lack of entry point, almost an awkwardness at bringing it up. So here’s a push — send this article to your partner and use it as a jumping-off point.
With that, let’s go to the data.
About the survey
We ran this survey in 2025. There were 11,445 respondents; they were recruited through ParentData newsletters and my social media feeds. Because the survey focused on communication with a partner after children, we limited the sample to individuals who were living with a partner and had children in the household.
The large majority of respondents were women, but 8% of the sample were men, and 27 individuals identified as non-binary. Ninety-one percent identified as heterosexual, and most (87%) had one or two children (the remainder had more than two children). The audience has small children: for 83%, their youngest child was under the age of 3.
How much talking are you doing?
Let’s start with the basics; how often are people talking to their partners? The question I asked in the survey was: How often do you get 20 uninterrupted minutes to talk to your partner? I wanted to avoid capturing talking like “Where are the pink shoes?” or “Can you drain the pasta?” We’re talking about concentrated time in which you’re discussing something.
The first graph below shows the frequency with which this happens before kids and the frequency after. Before having kids, almost everyone talks to their partner every day or almost every day. After, the share of people doing this every day drops to just about 30%, and there are many more people who do this only once a week or less than that.
This pattern of “less” is similar to what we see with sex, but one difference is that the data doesn’t show a rebound as children age. The graph below shows the share of people who say they get this kind of time every day, by child age. It’s actually highest among parents of infants and slowly declines as children age.
Are you satisfied with how often you talk to your partner?
As I noted at the top, virtually no one is happy with this. 87% of respondents indicated they wanted to talk to their partner more. This number was slightly lower for men — 83% versus 88% — but that difference is small. Even among people who say they talk to their partner every day, 75% of them would like it to be more frequently.
If we all want to talk more, why don’t we? One explanation is a mismatch across partners, but that didn’t come up much. Both men and women reported very similar barriers: time, exhaustion, and children. Women were a bit more likely to bring up exhaustion, men a bit more likely to bring up work. But, overall, the picture is very similar.
People cited the grind of every day and the need for sleep.
“Exhaustion. We have time at night once the kids are in bed, but then we’re washing dishes, cleaning up, and we’re both just tired and ready for bed.”
Others talked about the tradeoffs between spouse and children.
“I do not get enough quality time with my child due to working full time and household responsibilities. Can’t imagine giving up family time for relationship time.”
Lack of family support is a common theme.
“We do not have any family or support network to watch our kids or the money to pay for a sitter.”
“We joke that I have to give birth and have a grandma in town for us to “sneak away” at the neighborhood spot for a drink.”
To summarize, in the words of one respondent: “F***ing life, man.”
Most of this feels very hard and difficult to solve. I will note: a large number of people mentioned phones as a problem — too much phone usage. That one may actually be actionable.
When you do talk, what is it about?
In the survey, I prompted a set of topics: do you talk about kid logistics? Sex? Family issues? Below is the share of respondents who listed each topic. The one topic almost everyone discusses is family logistics. The one that is least discussed is your relationships or sex. Most of the rest of these topics are somewhere in the middle.
More interesting, I think, is what people wish they talked less and more about.
Perhaps, unsurprisingly, people wish they talked less about logistics — less about dinner planning, less about pickup, and less about how to make things work. Less about household vendors and appliance repair. Less about the lawn (I could have written that one). These themes were consistent across genders.
The problem — as many of you noted — is that these conversations feel necessary. As one person put it: “I wish we could talk about family logistics less, but then things would fall through the cracks and not get done, so …”
Other topics you want less of: work discussions, politics (“national political collapse”), children’s pooping schedules, and, interestingly, your kids. A number of people noted a version of this: “I love talking about the kids and the funny things they did that day, but I do feel like our world is small right now, and it’s one of the only things we have to talk about.”
It’s worth noting: although there are a lot of consistent themes, we all have our own issues. One person said he wished they talked less about Taylor Swift (WHAT?!), and at least one respondent noted “fantasy football” on the wish-for-less list.
What do you want more of?
Again, unsurprisingly, given that it’s not high on the list of things you do talk about, many of you want to talk more about your relationship or sex lives. This revealed a gender disconnect: women were more likely to want to discuss relationships; men were more likely to want to discuss sex. Thirteen percent of men explicitly mentioned sex in this answer, versus only about 5% of women.
The other big category: dreams, wishes, and future plans. You want conversations with space to think big about what the future holds, maybe outside the current moment of drop-offs and pick-ups and poop and lawn care.
You also want to talk about things that are lighter: “Fun things — the best thing he ate all week, something funny he heard, something he learned. The stuff that makes up the parts that aren’t Dad/husband/worker.” Hobbies, interests, TV, movies. As one man put it: “It’d be nice to have more time to talk about things that don’t matter.”
In your own words
At the end of the survey, I asked people if they had anything to add. They did.
“I had no idea how much harder the relationship with my spouse would get after having kids. I wish I’d have known and tried to prepare.”
“I don’t want to change anything about my husband or our family — honestly, every detail on its own is precious. All of it at once is a pile-on that leaves us both with an empty tank. He is confident that this is temporary, and I know that technically that is true. But will the “temporary” (a.k.a. 10+ year) chapter that deprioritizes US so completely result in anything good once we’ve got time for each other again? Date nights are so hard because sitters and dining out is so expensive now. Everything feels like it’s become more important than our marriage, and I know that taking that for granted will ruin it. I saw it happen to my own parents. I swore I’d never allow it, but I see how hard it is to do it differently.”
“It’s very difficult to get on the same page with critical life decisions (like parenting choices) when there is no time to talk without children. As a result, most of our conversations end up being bad arguments in front of the kids.”
“I love my wife so much, and I miss her.”
A lot of this was very tough, but there are a few proactive suggestions that I think deserve sharing.
First, many, many of you recommended couples therapy.
Second, many people discussed date nights. And, yes, the issue of cost is a big one. But people had creative ideas — at-home date night, trading off with friends, or date lunches if you can get away from work.
Finally, a number of people, and notably those who reported higher marital satisfaction, mentioned the value of having a scheduled check-in, weekly or biweekly, where they could discuss how things were going.
Closing thoughts
I suspect — given how we recruited — that in many cases, I have both partners in a couple filling this out (no, we cannot tell this on our end; it’s just a hunch). And what I would like to say is you probably feel similarly. You would both like to talk more, and you probably both miss each other. It may be useful to start by acknowledging that, and then see if you can move from there.
But I’m going to give the last word to this idea:
I think if America is serious about boosting the birthrate, it should give couples between 25 and 40 a specific stipend for three free 2-3-day trips together each year, with childcare, fully paid for.
It’s worth a shot.
The bottom line
- Before having kids, almost everyone talks to their partner for at least 20 uninterrupted minutes every day or almost every day. After having kids, the share of people doing this every day drops to just about 30%, and there are many more people who do this only once a week or less than that.
- Virtually no one is happy with this. 87% of respondents indicated they wanted to talk to their partner more.
- Many people want to have fewer conversations about logistics, chores, and kid schedules and more conversations about dreams, wishes, and future plans. People also would like to talk about their relationships and sex lives more, as well as lighter topics like hobbies or TV shows.
- A common sentiment among respondents was that people miss their partners and that it’s hard to stay connected amid the chaos of parenting. Couples therapy, scheduled check-ins, and regular date nights were recommended as possible solutions.
- Overall, it’s likely that if you’re feeling this way, your partner is too. Starting by acknowledging this fact is a good first step.
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Is there a way for me to share this article with my partner, who does not have a subscription?
Hello! If your partner creates a free account they can read up to 3 full articles each month!
I would warn them that this process is NOT intuitive. I just went through it and it must have taken a cumulative hour to figure out. How do you sign up for the free account? How do you log in with it? How do you navigate back to this article once you are “logged in”? There are definitely improvements to be made if the author wants to make “send this to your partner” regular advice.