Hi Emily! Our son is 2.5 years old and in diapers. We had tried to start potty training around 27 months because the other kids in his school were doing it, but I think starting early ended up backfiring. After 10 days, he got the hang of it, but then simply declared, “I want to go in my diaper” and started having regular accidents. So we put him back in diapers and figured he’ll let us know when he’s ready. He’ll be 3 in September, and his teacher is pressuring us to pick back up again, even though he shows zero interest. (We’ve asked him, we’ve tried, we’ve bribed, but it always ends with him screaming that he doesn’t want the potty, particularly when it comes to pooping.) His teacher has told us that in her experience, it’s only going to get harder the longer we wait, and that potty training gets especially challenging after 3 years old. I don’t see much data on potty training after 3 (I know you cover up until 3 in Cribsheet), so wondering if there’s any truth to this? I respect our son’s teacher a great deal, but I’m also reluctant to go against my instincts, which are telling me to wait until he starts expressing an interest. After all, it’s not something I can exactly force him to do!
—Wanting to trust my instincts
Potty training can be a tough nut to crack. A main issue is that it is one of the few places where a child really does have control. They can choose to use the potty or not. In the case of poop, they can also choose to hold the poop for quite a long time, which can create a negative constipation feedback loop. This individual control leaves you, as a parent, with seemingly few options. Basically, you cannot force your child to use the toilet. You need, at least to some extent, their cooperation.
With an older child, this can turn into a power struggle, and I’m guessing what the teacher is worried about is that power struggle being more difficult as your child gets older. There isn’t any data to support or refute this, and it’s also likely there is a lot of heterogeneity across children.
You are not obviously outside the norm, and are certainly not alone. I did a quick Instagram poll while I wrote this, asking people with slightly older kids (over 5) at what age their children potty trained: 8% said their children were trained under 2; 53% between 2 and 3; 32% between 3 and 4; and 7% after age 4. Your child isn’t quite 3, so you’re really in the meat of the distribution here.
Unfortunately, though, we are just in a data desert on “how to.” There is no clear data-based guidance for how to deal with this, either before or after 3.
In the end, I think your last statement is kind of the crux of it. You can’t force it, and having it be a power struggle is worse.
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